There so much to share and as I go through this journey, I have discovered over and over, people truly don't understand the impact of living/dealing with a narcissist for 15 years. There's a part of me, in my processing, I want people to understand, to really grasp the level of abuse, "get over it", "move on", "don't look back", "don't focus on it" are common responses, so what I have come to learn is most don't understand the level of abuse, the flashbacks, the heaviness, the negative thought patterns, the PTSD, etc. Heck, I didn't even understand it as I was going through it and I am still processing and learning how to heal.
The journey is a continuous one to heal from the experience or circumstance. We live in a fallen world and there will be pain and circumstances. Mine crept into my life and for others, the circumstance happened in a shift so blatantly clear as day. You may be able to mark the exact day and time of your circumstance or maybe you just remember how you were before a circumstance because it has been slowly eating away at you for years and have no exactly pinpoint of a day. Point is, things happen and how we respond to them is different for everyone and a journey.
As we go through the journey of healing, there's the "circumstance" and may say "before ________" but if we don't have that exact moment you may remember the vibrant, incredible bubbly person you were ready to tackle this is my story.
I'm a very visual and when I saw this photo, I cried, it captures the essence of my experience and where I was emotionally, physically and spiritually when faced with a 20 month exhausting, abusive divorce. There I was lying in my ashes not realizing the depth of the journey ahead of me nor the understanding of what happened to me over the past 13 years. The GIFT, as I choose to see it, I am rising into beauty and will have joy for mourning, I am choosing not to be a victim.
Over the years, it's been 3 and a half now, I have made leaps and bounds and I want to encourage you as you heal to have grace on yourself.
I see myself now as almost all of these holes being filled and having more peace and joy in my life. I have put things in my mind as linear in my healing, I'm not sure if it is right or wrong, but I find I can't handle one area of healing because I submerge my whole self into healing one thing at a time, stages that build on one another.
If you knew me prior to my ashes, I was an avid daily runner participating in mini-triathlons. As I write this, I am feeling the tears and emotions rise. I miss that person, full of life, physically and emotionally fit and how the two are so related. I have carried the guilt and shame around not working out and moving my body is very overwhelming for me and I have carried it for over ten years now.
It was said to me, "You know how to get rid of that guilt and shame, start working out" Whoa!! That made me feel two things, more shame and F you! That would be the spunky Jersey girl rearing it's "don't tell me what to do" head and a complete lack of understanding that is not that easy and this is where the GRACE comes in. This is where you have to live your own journey in your own timeline. This person truly does not understanding the physical level of exhaustion, the drained adrenals and how a simple workout is what crashes me. As I left this conversation and started to think about it brought me to my word of the year, "RESTORATION"
All of the work I have done is leading me to restoration, it is my time. I know it is my time, I have more mental clarity, I understand my circumstances, God has put me in the perfect position to take my life to the next level which includes my physical health and moving my body.
Movement is part of the restoration this year, my body will be healed of all that is going on and I will have restoration in this area because I believe and I am in a place to work towards and do my part even if theyare small accomplishments.
I will have grace on myself and move slowly into adding this back into my life. I know it will help me in all areas, not just physically. I want to be in that place of resting after a good run and feel amazing in the action, the results and the peace of mind it gives me.
It will take time and I will remember to have grace on myself as I move towards restoration.